so yesterday was a good day, or so i thought. today is getting weird, idk im jus trying to stay positive and get stuff done but i cant help but feel moody for some reason? and bloated??
ironic since i worked out yesterday and ate welllll. i was proud of myself.. but now idk?
intake;
-lots of water
-steamed tofu w/dijon
-prana bar[soo yummy:) and still all raw organic]
outtake;
-add
-tredmill for 30
-stairmaster for 20
-stretch 10
sins;
-one grit
-->8 really good with the choice of foods and the work out. although if i can stay healthy with what i eat, my next step is to not eat right before i go to bed!! thats so bad not only because youre not moving at all to burn it off while sleeping, but also because i always wake up hungry the next morning! and thats an awful way to start a dayy
im trying to stay positive like i was earlier today. earlier today i felt good mostly cus i was wearing my new clothes and this gay guy in my class said im way beautiful .. hah gay thoughh ah well i can take what i can get i mean fuck haha
but oh yeah part of why yesterday was so good was cus i found this adorable little thrift store where i bought a vintage betsey johnson dress($19), bcbg retro platform peeptoe heels($45), black designer jeans($70), and a black embroidered top($9) i was sooo stoked :) the heels and the dress, well the shirt and the jeans too(!) are all amazing im in love. they have a little bit of a 90s feel in addition to the vintage grunge gypsy look aaah i love em. exactly my style :) now i have to make sure i look good enough to wear them!! i cant forget that i can never get to skinny to wear my clothes, theyll pretty much always look good on my since i cant imagine id ever get below 115 if that even; although god knows how much id love thattt.
this kinda stuff and the style and the creative ideas i get give me confidence and thats what motivates me to keep going. as much as i tell myself i dont need to sometimes when i binge and start eating whatever i want etc etc, i jus make excuses for myself and think of all the times my friends or family have called me beautiful... but whats a pretty face if its on a hideous body? i dont think my bodys hideous, i jus feel like im not proportionate. id rather have thicker thighs and a sassy butt with skinny arms and a slim upper half. rather than the way i really have it.. i hate my arms, as much as i work out & diet or whatever i do, i never seem to get my arms small enough to where im perfectly happy with them. and because i dont like my arms, i hate to stand with them on my hips with my shoulders back because i feel liek that makes them look even bigger. so instead, i almost always crouch over trying to make my shoulders look more pointy than round and my colar bone more prominant. but of course that jus hurts my posture more, making me shrug over all the time. i feel like my shoulder blades are further apart than they should be or something :/ idk probably not i jus cant but help being so self conscious of my arms even after ive been losing weight like i have. i love when girls' arms look weak and frail aaah amazing.even if their boobs arnt big or if they have big hips or a big butt or even a lil buddha tummy, it doesnt look as bad as girls with huge fatty pudgy muscley arms that are more manly than any type of cute. today i wore a tank top to school, but thats only like the second time ive worn a tank top in public(as an outfit) for like two years or something(minus sports/prom dresses etc) but really? i hate that im so self conscious, i wish i had more self control so i could keep this dieting up for more than a week without getting depressed and givving into cravings :( i know itll be hard at first, but its worth it isnt it? for the concert, for prom, for the beach, for the summer! for my styleee, for my confidenceeee,for my happiness!
ill probably regret saying i wish i had a smaller upper half than lower half, but eh im not sure how. i jus always remind myself how my thoughts impact my actions so much even if its unconsciously. but ah well i mean we all wish for things we dont have and then wonder why we wished for it that way when our wish comes true, right? huh.
well since i havnt eaten yet today i dont wanna fuck it up by starving myself.. so should i eat a half a grapefruit? but i don wanna lose my motivation to do hw/chores/get my shit done.. and sometimes eating makes me tired and lazy :( meh
itll be tough in the beginning yes it will... but this is training for a better lifestyle, honey.
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