slipup

so yesterday was pretty good, but this morning i felt not-as-great. but i mean hey im not a morning person as we all know. but then i wanted to leave early to get donuts for the birthday girls, so in a hurry i forget my meds and had to come home again.not to mention the donuts/cupcakes/brownies i had at school(!! :/ yeah plural..) but im tryin gnot to let it get me down! i wanna remember that i shouldnt wait till tomorrow to "start over" i can start right now. so i jus took my meds and im going to get shit done around the house, then make mom and dad cards "just because i love you" :) and then im going shopping, then to the gym, then groceiry shopping and home again for studying/reading! :) im kinda stoked not gunna lie haha, i jus wanna make sure im effeciant with it! wish me luck! i have a lot to look forward to and i wanna remember thatttt

oh and p.s. second day today that pap said hi to me. it shouldnt mean so much to me but it does.i miss him! jus as a friend if nothing else i still dooo

help me think of that when i binge and/or get depressed and lose my motivation!

+plus this weekend=beach camping!! 

stay strong ladybird xoxxx

feeling healthy?

i feel pretty good :) i want to keep this up, it could only get better if i stay posi, right? :p

intake;

-strawberries

-green tea(several cups)

-lima bean soup(bowl)

-few bites of grilled veggies

-wedge bread(tiny bit of guacamole)

-tiny bit of rice

-tiny bit of pasta w/soy cheese

-lots of waterrr

outtake;

-work for four hours?

sins;

-like 4? :/ (but i didnt have any the past two days)

---> 7 pretty good eats, except for the bread/rice/pasta.. in modesty its alright,but im cutting it close since i didnt have much protien.. and after work i almost wished i had brought work out clothes so i could stop by the gym can you believe that? haha usually i never work out on work days cus its so exhausting in itself.. but last night felt so good at the gym that it influences the rest of my diet it seems. im just fearful of bulking up with increased workouts.. i hate that :((

on another note, i think the water thing is really working. ive been making an effort to seriously drink more water and i think thats part of the reason i didnt eat as much today, cus i felt full!! it takes a bit of getting used to, but after you get over the feeling of feeling a little bloated at first, it is actually more helpful than hurtful.i peed like five or six times today but hey it helps, besides, i also went number two like three times which cant hurt!! hahah i jus feel healthy.. which i feel like i need to do for myself especially where im at in my life right now, i wanna stay focused and positive or else i think ill fall pretty easily.and GOD i dont want that. i cant let myself get anxiety.. focus on the things that matter. because they DO MATTER.

naked nightmares

i never thought too much about my dreams, or even remembered them much for that matter. but recently, within the past several months, ive voiced my concern of how vividly real my dreams have been becoming. they tend to be creepily real and sometiems even haunt me throughout my next day or even throughout my whole week. i rarely think too much about their purpose, other than what they obviously portray: usually a crush, or a concern, or a worry, maybe a test or an unprepared paper due the next day, or a concert i missed out on, or getting in a fight wiht the folks, etc. 

however, the other day i was blabbing on with whitter like usual and i told her about my most recent creeper dream in which i kept waking up wiht cold sweats and chills :/. but in one of the dreams, not only did i hook up with my long time secret crush,(how old do i sound?), but i also find myself completely naked later at the same party with many people around. i look down and kindof scream and look up to see others reactions and two guys look at me unconcerned and jus nod their heads and say "its chill. yeah?" as if to agree they don mind if i don mind..

this part of the dream was the least of my concerns considering this dream ended up carrying on to a whole new dimension including theives, monsters, near death experiences, jumping from world to world like a disneyland theme park etc...

but whitney found it interesting and assured me that "no, naked dreams definitely mean something.." she looked it up andn the next day at school informed me that it usually means im afraid of having my 'insecurities revealed' and people finding out the truth so to speak. 

too bad this is kinda dead on..

with my weight, with my wishes, with the image i portray or wish i had vs. the person i really am... and the long time secret crush that when it comes down to it im jus too fucking chicken to actually let anybody know cus im so confident that hed be disguested ... :/ its not healthy and im pretty sure thats why ive been having these dreams of being naked/running away/falling down/searching for something..

i have confidence issues.. lets fucking work on that, shall we?..