progress

Goals;

-115

-graduate w/B's

-pay back parents

-quit smoking

-quit burnin buddha

-quit drinking to get drunk

-humble yourself as DD next couple weeks, no biggie, jus no drunkie slutty, youre a lady - in control

-feed dog morning and night - your sole responsibility

-chores = feed dog, pick up after dog, todos laundry, trash, dishes, my room, my bathroom, all my responsibility, stay in line - do a mental check everyday at very least

-excersize 3x week (ex, yoga hike gym jog run reps spinning tredmill stairmaster stretch walk dog)

-think while you eat; never eat for pleasure, only eat for nutrition. if you live by this rule, youll never eat poorly. eating originated in its purest form to fulfill a necessity for the fuel of food and water, however, the body never yearned for a requirement of soda and donuts, funny huh? hunger hurts but starving works.. eat often but in small tiny confined controlled portions, ((always stay in control)), but after a while youll learn to love the feeling of starving.. its the feeling of acheivement, success, excelling, its sexy..

-in a nutshell: eat less, drink more water

-green tea, emergen-C, ice water, veggie juices and safe foods(ex, watermelon celery most soups pickels etc.)

-self-disciplin, self-motivate, self-esteem, control.

-under control = confidence = modesty = selflessness

-set goals, read goals daily

-keep track of progress(eating, weight, grades, finances$, relationships)

-recreational reading

-natural beauty: slim, tan, long hair, long nails, weak but athletic body, minimal makeup

-pride, dignity, honor, gratitude, modesty, independence, intelligence etc...

starting tomorrow ill keep record of weight, eating and personal progress.

wish me luck, its a tough world of hurt im takin on..

xoxoxoxoxxxxxxxx stay strong

exposure

welcome friends.

my scope

god im sick of it..

jus went down to clarify im not trying to manipulate, im not pleading more comprimising, i jus want to be HONEST i want a healthier happier relationship as a parent overseeing me as your kid, and as friends as well. jesus, im so sick of arguing debating setting guidelines talking about my "bad track record" and revisiting the past that god knows is chalk full of god awful mistakes with my name on em. 

im living in this world. and its my world. i have to fucking live with myself everyday.. i want the things you want for me, only more.. only better..

its just hard..

i binged and purged 3 times today.. i lose control of my self esteem and my self disciplin when i get grounded and feel like ive been robbed of my pride.. all of a sudden i feel like my body isnt my own anymore and i can eat whatever i want.. then five seconds later(yeah only five seconds cus i scarf that shit down fast) i remember the haunting truth of reality's circumstances and purge it all up in presence of guilt. im so tired of not owning up. im so tired of making excuses. im so tired of "Living a Lie" if you will. im so tired of acting immaturely, for lack of a better term. im so tired of being ashamed, regretful, and embarrassed of my past, history, mistakes. not being able to refer to them as "my old days" or how "i used to behave" cus i still do that shit!! its disgusting. how much i sacrifice and justify only in order to satisfy my selfish instant gratification sugarful bottomless pit of a stomach ive got for a conscious gut.. how encouraging. my appetite reflects my judgement. my actions reflect my meals.

not only does it mirror the way i carry myself, but it literally will affect my behavior and/or physical appearance due to overeatting and lack of self control, sickening! im tired of not feelign worthy and feeling incompetent in comparison to even my friends. how disgusting, i feel shadowed/intimdated/weakened by my friends.. it should be the exact opposite. i want to be able to stand tall and be proud.. as gay as it sounds i want to have honor and dignity in my name and my skin when people see me or perceive me to be who i am.. im not a fuckign kid anymore, my actions have consequences. im less than a month away from being a "legal adult", even though its not significant by some standards such as my parents, it is, however, relevent to the federal and state governements that i take responsibility for my decisions and daily endeavours especially if those happen to be saught out in the wrong direction in some kind of fuzzy circumstances..

point is, i want to live up to my potential. i want to throw away my old habits and move on from old comforts.. especially weights holding me back like procrastination. not more saying "ill start doing that tomorrow" from now on its "the best time to start is now, today." in the words of james dean, a poster kid for the young an the restless whose a rebel without a cause, jus died too young lookin for a good time..

"dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.."

how does it get to this

why do i feel like im riding a merry-go-round stuck on repeat, theres no detours and no stopping breaks or chances to get of the ride.. he takes me for a spin every fucking time. talking to a "sun" i feel like.. although i hate to be so critical when theres so much i jus want him to simply hear. just for a minute jus fucking heeeear me, hear how much i love him how much i care how much i appreciate all that he does hear how fucking sorry i am hear that ITS NOT ALL OF WHO I AM im better... 

it tears me apart, 

trying so hard to do good and show affection, appreciation, and gratitude ..while still living my life? is that so awful? am i so overly selfish? i mean i so wish i wasnt.. i want to really work on being more grateful, have more self-disciplin, be more selfless.. but i like to think of myself at least not being a fucking "sun".. a person who thinks theyre the center of the universe.. 

i hear him downstairs still rambling on in his own personal lecture spoken jus to hear his own voice talk.. 

ambiguity flaunts its horns

how come no one leaves me love?..