shoot from the heart

ali sandoval, i love her :)

heart disease influences photography

obamalama

may the force be with us now ;) good luck mr. president

i hope your actions speak as loud as your words; cus these are some powerful syllables when all strung together..

"I stand​ here today​ humbl​ed by the task befor​e us, grate​ful for the trust​ you have besto​wed,​ [​and]​ mindf​ul of the sacri​fices​ borne​ by our ances​tors.​.​.​

.​.​.​[​but there​ is] a naggi​ng fear that Ameri​ca'​s decli​ne is inevi​table​,​ and that the next gener​ation​ must lower​ its sight​s.​.​.​

... on this day, we come to procl​aim an end to the ... worn out dogma​s ... that for far too long have stran​gled our polit​ics.​.​.​

.​.​.​the time has come to set aside​ child​ish thing​s.​.​.​

... the time has come to reaff​irm our endur​ing spiri​t;​ to choos​e our bette​r histo​ry.​.​.​ to carry​ forwa​rd.​.​.​ the God-​given​ promi​se that all are equal​,​ all are free,​ and all deser​ve a chanc​e to pursu​e their​ full measu​re of happi​ness.​.​.​

.​.​.​[​our foref​ather​s]​ saw Ameri​ca as bigge​r than the sum of our indiv​idual​ ambit​ions;​ great​er than all the diffe​rence​s of birth​ or wealt​h or facti​on.​.​.​

... start​ing today​,​ we must pick ourse​lves up, dust ourse​lves off, and begin​ again​ the work of remak​ing Ameri​ca.​.​.​ we will harne​ss the sun and the winds​ and the soil to fuel.​.​.​

... [​howev​er,​]​ there​ are some who quest​ion the scale​ of our ambit​ions - [​but]​ their​ memor​ies are short​.​.​.​ for they have forgo​tten.​.​.​ what free men and women​ can achie​ve when imagi​natio​n is joine​d to commo​n purpo​se,​ and neces​sity to coura​ge.​.​.​

.​.​what the cynic​s fail to under​stand​ is that the groun​d has shift​ed benea​th them.​.​.​

... we rejec​t as false​ the choic​e betwe​en our safet​y and our ideal​s.​.​.​ those​ ideal​s still​ light​ the world​,​ and we will not give them up for exped​ience​'​s sake.​ ..

.​.​.​we will not apolo​gize for our way of life,​ nor will we waver​ in its defen​se.​.​.​

.​.​.​for we know that our patch​work herit​age is a stren​gth,​ not a weakn​ess.​.​.​

.​.​.​the lines​ of tribe​ shall​ soon disso​lve.​.​.​

... and Ameri​ca must play its role in usher​ing in a new era of peace​.​.​.​

... your peopl​e will judge​ you on what you can build​,​ not what you destr​oy.​.​.​.​

... [​and]​ just as the falle​n heroe​s ... whisp​er throu​gh the ages.​.​.​a willi​ngnes​s to find meani​ng in somet​hing great​er than thems​elves​.​.​.​

... [may we too face]​ our chall​enges​ ... [​which​]​ may be new. The instr​ument​s with which​ we meet them may be new.​.​.​ But those​ value​s upon which​ our succe​ss depen​ds - hard work and hones​ty,​ coura​ge and fair play,​ toler​ance and curio​sity,​ loyal​ty and patri​otism​ - these​ thing​s are old. These​ thing​s are true.​ What is deman​ded then is a retur​n to these​ truth​s.​.​.​

.​.​.​[​stand​]​ firm in the knowl​edge that there​ is nothi​ng so satis​fying​ to the spiri​t,​ so defin​ing of our chara​cter,​ than givin​g our all to a diffi​cult task.​ This is the price​ and the promi​se of citiz​enshi​p.​.​.​

... with hope and virtu​e,​ let us brave​ ... what storm​s may come.​.​.​

... let it be said by our child​ren'​s child​ren that when we were teste​d.​.​.​ we did not turn back nor did we falte​r;​ and with eyes fixed​ on the horiz​on and God'​s grace​ upon us, we carri​ed forth​ that great​ gift of freed​om and deliv​ered it safel​y to futur​e gener​ation​s.​.​.​

..let us be inspired xox

kiss an tell

oh cmon you know youve done it before haha

(thirteen/fourteen)

1.zak

2.dustin

3.mitch

4.scott**

5.corey**

6.timmy

7.doug**

8.theo

9.tyler

10.oscar

11.jordan

12.brian*

13.brandon*

14.fabian*

15.stephen*

16.christian

(presentday/seventeen)

-->currently craving

1.dustin(always)

2.stephen

3.nick(hmm)

4.aaron(?!)

{out of my league}

5.ryan

6.jeremy

7.axel(ha!)

yeah good luck to me...hah fuckkk

oh well right now i should be concentrating on putting myself together, not getting lost in a guy or silly crush ugh

like this one, bene' from city of god mmm how yummy? yeaah

productive-ness

so this weekend my dad helped me put together my gold frame bulletin board and its goooorgeous. it even looks better with pictures all over it too :) i love it a lot. now i cant wait to get my crown molding up and shelves so i can feel completed ha. unfinished projects give me anxiety thinking about em :/ then i have to make a list haha. im a list maker, a pile creator, its what i do when im anxious. 

but other than work and sleep this weekend was fairly uneven

tful and relaxing, jus tryign to take it slow for a while, stay on the down low ha. i was being really strong until i heard oren had

 another party on friday that the girls went to and said it was way good :/ i immediately got way sad and then thought wtf why do i feel s

o desperate, yea

h it woudla been fun but i mean cmon theres a million parties jus like that, besides i don wanna be dependent on fucking parties to be happy and/or enjoy life. thats pathetic and thats exactly the definition of a burn out. i hate to admit it but i actually do notice feelign different after being completel

y sober for a couple weeks, it feels good. i kinda binged over teh weekend and i was up 129 again, but last night i d

id a lot better and toady i havnt had anythign yet :) i jus hope my ridiculous headache doesnt come back from last night and im goign to the gym soon so i hope i don binge 

after that :(. but going to the gym i wanna go back to basics and stick with cardio for now. htats what i was doign in preparation for homecoming and then i added a few arm/ab weights which is good but i have to loose the pounds before i work on gettign toned. cus i feel like if i toned up right now it

 would take my fat and turn it into muscle or something haha :/ idk. i read somehting recently on

 gwen stafani and how she works so hard to stay stick thin. she said as rigerous as the work out is, the idea is simple: you have to burn more cal

ories than you take in. wellll if you take in less, then you burn more, am i right?? YAY ANA! stick with it :) todays a good day so far

, up an down in the begining but over al

l i would love to keep this healthy mentality goin

g. i felt guilty after goign to the mall today but the things i bought were out of my own hard earned cash and i realized, hey i guess i shouldnt feel

 guilty ahha. i mean id love to save my money, but i still have

 300

 bucks to do that with :) from now on though, every 

pay check or allowance i get i will save 50% of it, put it in a jar in my room. this way, ill be able to afford something big when it comes up. 

these are my recent buys :) some online, some today at the mall. stokeeddd

on the road again

today i didnt eat anything.nothing! zip zero zilch. and i even had several cups of green tea, too :) although, i didnt get much productive things done like id really hope.i wish i hadnt slept so late but i spose i deserve it since i go back to school tomorrow(rawr) but im trying not to be so bumbed abotu going back to school cus i have to keep a positive attitude and stay on the straight path, especially toward the end of this semester cus its my final chance to bring up my grades (!! :/) so anyways wihs me luck, i jus hope this small success will encourage me to stay focused and motivated to keep up the good work. 

to recap priorities:

-family

-school

-friends

-work

-personal needs/wants

-guys/love life

-partying/social life beyond friendage

goals for this week:

-123

-gym at least twice

-finish hamlet

-talk to gannam about math grade :(

-read fine balance, start journal

-2-3 solid hours dedicated to government notes

-put up bullitin board/decorate with pictures and feathers

-buy calander

-receive online orders :)

-get paid for avas dogs

-cash in checks

-get allowance

-sew tops

-wake up early each day to do hari and makeup for school :)

-only one cigarette a day, if that

-ANA! VEGAN!

you can do it cmon seriously

picture this

so yesterday i went shopping iwth ma moma to return a few things from christmas and go bra shopping. my relationship with my mother has been a rough one, weve always been more different than my dad and i. but i think weve been growing closer, as ive started to realize its goign to take a little more encouragement on my side to make her feel comfortable with me. i know how much i care about her, but for whatever reason, she doesnt acknowledge it or think i love her as much as she loves me.

so anways, we both feel less confident in the breast-age area haha so we went bra shopping which went pretty well actually, i got the new vs bra that i wanted on half off, in a new color my mom informed me was called "taupe" which is funny since its a favorite color of mine and i hadnt knowhn that befoer ha. i even got a shirt and cozy shorts to match cus they were on sale too. then i got knobs for my shutters from anthro(and restrained willfully from buying another adorable wool sweater - you know i love my sweaters) and a few peacock and ostrich feathers from this zgallery(a new favorite). they sound weird, but theyre really cute when i combine then with dried roses and put them in empty champagne bottles! ill update with pictures soon when i put my room together. 

so anwyas, youd think all this shopping and such would motivate me with my weight. well this morning i was doing great until i got home and started eating. its so true that once i get started, i truely lose self control, i become more hungry. its as if my stomach realized what it was missing. its a drug i jus want more of. its easier to cut myself off all together. ive done it plenty before..

then i went online and noticed new pictures "he" posted new. god hes so fucking adorable. and papi and fried were in em too.. all the boys, i miss them so much.. :/ is that weird, idk i think theyre so down to earth.

but anways hes like a huge part of my inspiration to losing weight. i really want to get down to 120. and i knwo i can do it, too. i seriously think i have a chance at it cus the lowest ive gotten down to in the past couple of months is like 123. i jus need to keep my inspirationa dn motivation high and keep my priorities in line.

my number one problem is all in my head - its a challenge of balance and self control. i tend to lose sight of priorities and indulge when i should be keeping all things in moderation. thats the answer, i know it! no more of the all or nothing bullshit, i want change and the first step is admitting to the problem, right? ahha hi my name is casey and im a compulsive eater/drinker/smoker ..cool, im a loser.

ive also noticed how important acceptance is to me especially from the girls, and those select boys i mentioned earlier. i really do care about how they think of me. i htink this is only natural mostly, but on the other hand, how much should i care? i think i sohoudl care about how i appear to others, but i shouldnt rely on them for reassurance.. thats what needs to change :/ i need to be abel to find security and appreciation in other ways by being proud of myself by working hard and earning my own self respect instead of taking short cuts which i always tend to give into. 

..stil thinking about him.. wow, i don even knwo what to say anymore.

i can picture where i want to be, i knwo im able to be there, i feel liek ive gotten so close before, but then ive become satisfied and given up on trying even higher to reach the very top, becoming satisfied with the half-assed result. i wanna be 120(no chubby cheeks but not too skinny, jus thin enough to not have to wear a push up bra all the time to be able to tell i have boobs), self driven, study and get As and Bs, enjoy alone time reading, walking dogs, hikes, runs, yoga, gym time, listening to music, bookstore, work at natural cafe and val surf, be reserved but confident, noticeable but not obnoxious, sexy but not desperate, never initiate a move on a guy, friendly but not fake, non-judgemental, only speak well of people or dont say anything at all, less gossiping, no lying/cheating/stealing, take lots of pictures, value frienships and loved ones, let them know, be grateful for everyhting i have, dont take my health or blessings for granted, be caring and understanding but not too sensitive, be ultimately dependent on NO ONE but yourself!(this is the hardest one) i want to be slender and simple, but have my own style thats gypsy/hippie/chic/posh/modette/classy/flapper/art noveau. not too much makeup, wear simple stud diamonds/hoops in ears at all times, long tossled hair or straight down or messily thrown up in bun or pony or pinned back. necklaces, rings, bangles, big edie sedgwick dangly earrings, scarf headband, beanie, or scarf around neck with tank top. jeans, black pants, cut offs, or floods. sweaters and tanks! ray ban sunglasses! belts and big purses with off the shoulder jackets and big sweaters. grow out hair, grow out nails. get eyebrows done once a month and tan twice a month. (try to tan outside when possible) eat like a true vegan!! SMALL PORTIONS, should be chewing each bite 27 timessssss. never crave food, only kisses ;). save moneyyyy do choressss hang out with parentssss

i want to be happy, i do, but i need to remember what MAKES me TRUELY happy, not jus pretend..

slang

what it is

tough

trippy

true

tight

tender

stone fox

solid

que pasa

nark

mr. natural

kipe (steel)

jelly brain(drunk/lsded out)

gypped

inky(sketchy)

holla at me

hey sunshine

heads

heavy 

harsh bong(sucks)

grody

goon

gimme some skin

ghetto fabulous

get bent

fox

fooey

fer sher

dynomite

don bogart

dig it?

decent!

mighty fine

deadhead

burn

bummer

bomb

bogart

blood(friend)

be still(chill)

bad

ace

keep on truckin

what it is what it is'

candyass

cherry

choice

bread

blitzed

drag

dig?

easy man(bye)

five oh two(drunk driving)

fuckin a

gone

golden

gnarly

hacked 

hairy

hang loose

hook

hopped up

jam

cut out

kibosh

loaded

outta sight

shag ass(leave)

skag

so fine

so tough

solid

swear to buddha

submarine races

whats your bag man?

haha

ayye Rizo!

new years eve is ordinarily my favorite holiday but im having trouble feeling the love this time around, i gotta start new.. its time for those resolutions(hence "aye rizo" haha).

-2009;

1. vegan/ana

2. 120!

3. A's!

4. read everyday

5. gym/yoga sundays tuesdays thursdays

6. put ten bucks in $jar every payday

7. be more thoughtful/caring wiht family & friends and less selfish

8. but be less sensitive and less jealous; work on self improvement and self esteem in order to be able to be proud and not depend on others acceptance

9. read, watch movies, read newspaper/magazines, self educate, make lists of goals and things to aspire to

10. do this by writing in this blog daily to stay on top of diet, study habits, excersize and aspirations

11. keep an idea journal too, put pictures to inspire and motivate thought and creativity

12. take lots of pictures in 2009!(new camera??)

13. make good with mom and dad, be honest, real and stay sober for at

 least a month to stay stable, make this work

on another note, since i dindt start off this new year with a tremendous night like i usually do, i did get a tad bit of luck today when i noticed a ladybug landed on me :) thats supposed to be good luck, yeah? but then i walked right into a spiderweb directly after.. does that cancel out my luck? :( i need all the new years encouragement i can 

get ..

p.s. i ordered a few things online that im almost more excited for than my christmas gifts hah, i spose theyre technically gifts to myself? how selfish..fuck ha.. well after this i def need to cut down on spending. but if i stay on track with dieting and such i wont have a need for buying new clothes cus ill fit into my old stuff so well, everythign will look ten times better :)