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so yesterday i went shopping iwth ma moma to return a few things from christmas and go bra shopping. my relationship with my mother has been a rough one, weve always been more different than my dad and i. but i think weve been growing closer, as ive started to realize its goign to take a little more encouragement on my side to make her feel comfortable with me. i know how much i care about her, but for whatever reason, she doesnt acknowledge it or think i love her as much as she loves me.

so anways, we both feel less confident in the breast-age area haha so we went bra shopping which went pretty well actually, i got the new vs bra that i wanted on half off, in a new color my mom informed me was called "taupe" which is funny since its a favorite color of mine and i hadnt knowhn that befoer ha. i even got a shirt and cozy shorts to match cus they were on sale too. then i got knobs for my shutters from anthro(and restrained willfully from buying another adorable wool sweater - you know i love my sweaters) and a few peacock and ostrich feathers from this zgallery(a new favorite). they sound weird, but theyre really cute when i combine then with dried roses and put them in empty champagne bottles! ill update with pictures soon when i put my room together. 

so anwyas, youd think all this shopping and such would motivate me with my weight. well this morning i was doing great until i got home and started eating. its so true that once i get started, i truely lose self control, i become more hungry. its as if my stomach realized what it was missing. its a drug i jus want more of. its easier to cut myself off all together. ive done it plenty before..

then i went online and noticed new pictures "he" posted new. god hes so fucking adorable. and papi and fried were in em too.. all the boys, i miss them so much.. :/ is that weird, idk i think theyre so down to earth.

but anways hes like a huge part of my inspiration to losing weight. i really want to get down to 120. and i knwo i can do it, too. i seriously think i have a chance at it cus the lowest ive gotten down to in the past couple of months is like 123. i jus need to keep my inspirationa dn motivation high and keep my priorities in line.

my number one problem is all in my head - its a challenge of balance and self control. i tend to lose sight of priorities and indulge when i should be keeping all things in moderation. thats the answer, i know it! no more of the all or nothing bullshit, i want change and the first step is admitting to the problem, right? ahha hi my name is casey and im a compulsive eater/drinker/smoker ..cool, im a loser.

ive also noticed how important acceptance is to me especially from the girls, and those select boys i mentioned earlier. i really do care about how they think of me. i htink this is only natural mostly, but on the other hand, how much should i care? i think i sohoudl care about how i appear to others, but i shouldnt rely on them for reassurance.. thats what needs to change :/ i need to be abel to find security and appreciation in other ways by being proud of myself by working hard and earning my own self respect instead of taking short cuts which i always tend to give into. 

..stil thinking about him.. wow, i don even knwo what to say anymore.

i can picture where i want to be, i knwo im able to be there, i feel liek ive gotten so close before, but then ive become satisfied and given up on trying even higher to reach the very top, becoming satisfied with the half-assed result. i wanna be 120(no chubby cheeks but not too skinny, jus thin enough to not have to wear a push up bra all the time to be able to tell i have boobs), self driven, study and get As and Bs, enjoy alone time reading, walking dogs, hikes, runs, yoga, gym time, listening to music, bookstore, work at natural cafe and val surf, be reserved but confident, noticeable but not obnoxious, sexy but not desperate, never initiate a move on a guy, friendly but not fake, non-judgemental, only speak well of people or dont say anything at all, less gossiping, no lying/cheating/stealing, take lots of pictures, value frienships and loved ones, let them know, be grateful for everyhting i have, dont take my health or blessings for granted, be caring and understanding but not too sensitive, be ultimately dependent on NO ONE but yourself!(this is the hardest one) i want to be slender and simple, but have my own style thats gypsy/hippie/chic/posh/modette/classy/flapper/art noveau. not too much makeup, wear simple stud diamonds/hoops in ears at all times, long tossled hair or straight down or messily thrown up in bun or pony or pinned back. necklaces, rings, bangles, big edie sedgwick dangly earrings, scarf headband, beanie, or scarf around neck with tank top. jeans, black pants, cut offs, or floods. sweaters and tanks! ray ban sunglasses! belts and big purses with off the shoulder jackets and big sweaters. grow out hair, grow out nails. get eyebrows done once a month and tan twice a month. (try to tan outside when possible) eat like a true vegan!! SMALL PORTIONS, should be chewing each bite 27 timessssss. never crave food, only kisses ;). save moneyyyy do choressss hang out with parentssss

i want to be happy, i do, but i need to remember what MAKES me TRUELY happy, not jus pretend..