(yesterday)
day #1}
intake;
-half a piece of white fish
-rice & guacamole
-broccoli
-lots of water
-green tea
-four pieces of toasted sweet bread
outtake;
-several purges after the guilt & fat set in :(
sins;
-couple grits
----> 6 regrettable but not awful. especially for my first day after a long weekend of binginggggg. but yeah then i must of had insomnia from not getting the adequate appetite that my bodys used to cus i was tossing and turning for what seemed like an hour after i finally gave into my dads pleadings to go to bed around 11:00. at least i didnt give into my cravings! i so badly wanted some of the orange jelly beans out of my easter basket that i still havnt touched. usually id be all over that shit, especially during a holiday. trying to stay strong and give myself what i want and think i deserveeee
getting slowly more stoked bout ucsanta cruz and less nervous about graduating.. but the anxiety of it all together is still there. the change is gunna be huge i jus so badly want to get so much out of these last months in my high school career and these amazing people ive spent the last couple years withhhhh <3
daniel wanted to hang out last night but i told him bout studying i had to do and then when he said to call him later i din respond mostly out of laziness but also cus is it completely necessary to a comment like that? but i guess what they say is at least somewhat true cus this morning at like 7:30 while i was getting ready for school he texted me wanting to know what i was doing after school haha. maybe theres some truth in what they say about playing hard to get. i guess i alwasy felt like the guy loses interest if i drag him along too long.. maybe since i gave daniel a hot & heavy taste of me :p haha but yeah idk still not really sure how i feel about giving it up to him so early. but maybe the persistence hes showing means he actually has a legitimate interest in this.. idk but im tryin to take it slow and focus on my priorities before falling head first into this hot mess haha - at least during the week! gotta get my shit dooooonzo. speaking of!! ugh
quickly lemme jus say i feel good about life right now but i don want that to let me get too comfortable.. thats when i start sliding down the slippery slope to rock bottom regrettt. keep me motivated babayyy
day #2}
intake;
-green tea
-lotsa water(so hot outtt drink even more!!)
outtake;
-school?
-..i need to wash the car too.. add that to my to do listtttt
sins;
-4 grits
----> 9 good good good. happpyyy :) gotta stay this way. by getting all my shit done so i can enjoy the rest of my week efficiantly!! oh and i jus finished the pack morgan and i bought in santa cruz so im gunna quit. not "try to quit" but actually quit. i know my body can handle it. and i think itll help shrink my stomach or at least my eating habits & mental appetite. cus i feel like when i don smoke i have the urge to put things to my mouth.. idk thats probably off but i jus hate myself so much when i eat when im not hungry.. out of boredom or depression or self pity or self approval or even worse out of happiness in the midst of having fun sometiems ill chow down candy/innout/chips/froyo yuuuucko.. but prior to the binge is an even worse feeling, like wtf whyd i do that? very minimal satisfaction if any at all. i feel so much better when i feel hungry! and i think i know it too but my body sends messages to my brain to trick it into convincing me i need nutrition to survive. but jesus, ive never even come close to starving myself for more than three days let alone be on a stable diet or healthy satisfactory eating plan for longer than a measly week!! but like i said, now more than ever i have sufficiant motivation and theres no excuse. nnnnnnever "too thin" yeah right!! my mom saw me in a bathing suit and told me that wtf? haha okay sure jus cus im not the chubster i was my whole childhood doesnt mean im "skinny" i dont remember anyone referring to me in that diction in a serious tone haha id be surprised if i even made it to 116 at all even if it was jus for a week...
but i think i like surprises sometimes ;) yeaaaaaaaaah
ps, rene asked me to design the title page for his moms memorial service pamphlet.. im like seriously so flattered im not even sure if im capable of creating something worthy of such an honor. but i love him so much obviously im going to put my heart into it..
k gotta keep motivated and get to work! help me stay strong? :) xoxxxxxxxxxxxx
